Kates is getting hitched!

Good morning to all.

It has been a lonely Sunday morning. I can't really explain it nor do I have a real reason but I have just been emotional. I've been having the "holy crap I'm in Africa", but also the wow its been an interesting couple of years.

I do admit that usually I push to stay strong, brave, and optimistic, but today, I just want to be gloomy. My whole life I've been worried about what people think; I have always hated it. I'm not quite sure it will ever become non existent but I do push myself to improve. Even beginning to write this I questioned how much I want to share; fear I guess of allowing anyone and everyone know my personal emotional stability. However, on this Sunday morning in Tanzania, I am finding it quite liberating to let loose.

It sounds as if I have some dark secret desperate to let out...but i don't. I just feel lonely, homesick, and well sad. I assume its normal considering I am across the world but still, it is never very comforting. On the other hand, I am actually quite glad that I am a little upset. I was beginning to think I was too hopeful and not allowing anything to phase me. Breaking down from time to time is only expected and in fact felt pretty good.

I think I'm feeling a mixture of many emotions. These past two years have been very complex, and rather "unexpected". Since my freshman year of high school I have dramatically changed. I have formed strong walls against protecting myself; Walls that I thought were concrete, collapsed reasonably fast. It has been a whirlwind of adventures, some great, and some very painful physically and emotionally. I think that many people's lives feel as if everything hits at once and getting back on your feel is always a slow process. The process forms many positive changes and adaptations if one allows it but it is a good thing. This isn't a writing of "what a terrible two years my life sucks", its simply a "wow". I have come along way and have hopes in continuing that.

There has been moments in the past couple of years that I have been hurting and fail to recognize it myself. Fear was the only enemy. Now, when I am feeling upset, I am allowing myself to be upset. I think that it comes along with the healing and, now, I am able to see that, deal with it, and remember that tomorrow will be a much better day. In the grand scheme of things not dealing with emotions is not the way to go. That only builds a bridge set for disaster, anxious to blame anyone else but yourself.

I think I am just taking a deep breath and processing what has gone on. I woke up this morning thinking holy crap, I once had a bullet in my face! Then, holy crap, now I'm in Africa.. alone! Both occurrences that I didn't see coming but ironically pleased that both did. They both have, and continue to, change my life. Yes, today is a not-so-thankful kind of day but all in all, I'm just accepting the things I cannot change.

I like to assume that all this is part of grief. Although it has been a year and a half, there are days it feels like yesterday. Today is one of those days. Now, I rarely find myself talking about the shooting in a negative way. I actually contemplated even bringing it up publicly but it's what I'm thinking and I can't pretend otherwise. I still get mad, and just don't understand many things. I can't change the past but sometimes I just wish I could re-play it and seek answers that I will never find. These days I usually don't allow myself to waste energy on the situation but, I think it really is healthy sometimes. It was a HUGE part of my life and it still is. No matter what hemisphere I am located on, my life is still my life. I still have my life at home, and I still have the realization of "I am, who I am"...no matter where I reside.

This is by no means a sympathy plea; I'm just expressing how I feel. I want people to see and learn all sides of me. I'm katie rae; I'm human. I think conversing through a computer screen with no immediate reaction makes this far easier, especially since I am across the world. Nonetheless, I am happy I did so and most likely this won't be the last. This is only my story, no different than anyone else. Each individual has past scars and I encourage YOU to just let loose from time to time.

I am thinking of many people and appreciate the continued support. I officially hate Global Crossroads and highly encourage no one to volunteer through them. If you are interested in volunteering ask me MANY questions. I am working to move to Living Water Orphanage. I visited them this weekend and was extremely pleased with my experience. There website is www.livingwaterchildren.org if anyone is interested. It truly is an amazing organization run by a very inspiring family. I will be very honored to join them and learn all that I can about humility, compassion, and selflessness.

I anticipate all is well at home. Miss you. Love you.

Ahsante Sana.

kates

"You may go days without thinking of God, but there's never a moment he's not thinking of you."