not a wallflower tonight.

Why are artichokes so good? They barely have any flavor yet they are so scrumptious. Currently I am eating a fresh cooked meal and drinking a glass of wine. I've come quite accustomed to the quiet; it's actually quite perfect. I've become the girl in the window making dinner. You know in the movies they show people through the window not caring about world beyond the walls. And they always attached an emotional feel to it, sad or happy. That's me every night.

It's my unwind time. I have never had so much alone time and I never knew how challenging it could be. It's pushing me to actually be, well me. Obviously throughout life the self defining "me" changes constantly but I'm being pushed, and thriving off of it. Coming to to Reno has not been what I expected. It's been better. At times, I want to scream and cry and instead of being the girl in the window I want to be a wallflower. However, it's allowed and still will allows so many thoughts and healing to occur. I was in yoga yesterday and had a sudden urge to talk to my mom. Like many mother daughter relationships there were many broken areas. Not realizing it all these years but suddenly those last ten minutes of yoga I had tears in my eyes. I grew scared and questionable about my relationship when I knew it was already a positive healthy connection. But, like all relationships people get hurt; people need to heal. There was built up emotion for the both of us. Being able to openly discuss issues from years ago made me want to shout for joy. Being able to understand and discuss the journey of a teenage girl and a frighten ted mother was such a freeing feeling. It was a moment that I had anticipated for years. Mom, I'm so thankful we patched open wounds; your guidance and wisdom has made me a much better person. Thank you for teaching me about forgiveness, humility, and the ability to love unconditionally...

I know when I publish my scattered thoughts it seems so repetitive but its moving how much emotional progress occurs through this. I wouldn't care if one person didn't read this, but the "not caring" is quite liberating. Although I'm not always this deep, when writing the depth just pours out. Don't worry, I keep the unmentionable stuff to my self and my favorite person in the world... Luke.

Which brings me to my next topic. It's incredible how much someone can transform your life. Of course the butterflies and googly feeling when you first date someone is unforgettable, but it's the connection, trust, and absolute unconditional feeling that consumes me that continues to draw me closer to him everyday. The best part about this complete bliss is know that for the rest of my life, he will continue to help me become a better person. It's easy to express myself him, he understands me. More than that, he accepts me. His patience, concern, dedication and complete openness makes me the luckiest girl on the planet. I'm so thankful that we just kinda "spun" into each others arms. I couldn't go one day without you. Great is the joy you bring.

Sometimes the best helping hand you can get is a good, firm push.

Joann Thomas