The now.

I’m getting married. I’m getting married. Yes, I am getting MARRIED. We’re less than three weeks away and the emotions and feelings are effortless; they flow so freely. Happy, sad, overwhelmed, and overjoyed, they come frequent and quickly. Every married person I have spoken to has said to sit back, and ENJOY this time. Everything is moving so quickly around me, it’s hard to just marvel. However, this quiet Sunday afternoon has allowed me to just sit, think, pray, and cry.

            As my glasses fogged over a steamy cup of hazelnut coffee, I re-read my own words. My tippy toes pressed heavily on the stepladder as I reached for my dusty old journals. I flipped through the pages laughing, crying, admiring, and wondering. Some pages felt mysterious, some pages felt painful, and some pages felt foreign. My own writing served as a witness shouting evidence of who I was, am, and will be. The flashback was a still moment; just what I needed, right married people?

            I don’t think looking in the past is what most married people meant when they said to enjoy this time. But friends listen closely, THE PAST IS WHAT GOT ME HERE. The HERE is three weeks away from becoming a wife, marrying Luke, and starting new chapters. I just can’t, and won’t, only bring the current Katie into my marriage. The best part of marrying Luke is bringing ALL of Katie, the past and present. With greasy hair and un-brushed teeth (ewww) I’ve re-read my intricate testimony filled with so many surrendering prayers and wishes. Being still has allowed me to realize how many prayers have been answered over the years, and how many times I failed to recognize the answer.

            Now, I’m noticing and oh so thankful. Now, I’m reminded of the old, and thankful for the new. Isn’t that cool?! I mean life is always one big fat adventure. We’re constantly exploring, learning, and growing. Miraculously, it will never stop because we have a God who adores us and wants us to have the adventure. It’s just so awesome. I think it is wise to re-visit the good and enjoy the bad. It’s refreshing to see where I was, and gives me hope to where I am going. I’m a thrill-seeker. Bring it on, baby!

            So much of my writing, talks about my “future husband”. It’s so amazing to fill in all the blanks! The journey started long ago, and it’s one that will never end. Re-reading the beginning of my engagement story on my blog allowed me to once again recharge.  

“As a little girl with a theatrical imagination, my love story began long ago in a far away land. I still treasure my innocent memories of embracing my stuffed monkey dreaming, hopelessly romanticizing, that he was my prince charming who longed to rescue me from the wicked castle (which was really my wooden loft that my dad built for me). My childish artistry of playing house and baby dolls came naturally; the deep seeded passion to love and be loved existed not only as a 6 year old in an enchanted land, but followed me to this very moment. The moment I said YES.”

         My next very moment, is the moment I say “I DO”. But, that moment is not here yet. Thank you married people, for the advice and encouragement. I am enjoying the now and soaking in every delicate detail. I’m enjoying the planning, crafting, song-choosing experience. I woke up with butterflies just thinking about walking down the aisle with my Dad. I’m still a little girl dreaming, except now I’m romanticizing hopefully. AMEN to that. 

French fries.

Ever cleaned out your car and found a rock hard McDonalds French fry underneath the drivers seat wedged in between the seat and the center console? You suddenly remember dropping it months ago greasy fingered thinking, “I really should try to find that”, but you don’t. Instead, you let it sit, harden, and collect fuzz. All along you know it’s there across every high way, dirt road, and parking lot your wheels have turned on. You’re conscience self is aware that when you finally take time to clean, you’ll capture that stinkin’ French fry that you abandoned months prior. Then alas when you finally clean the contamination from beneath the sunken driver’s seat, your life feels slightly clearer, purer, and free. All because of a fry.

Well folks, I’m taking time to clean, taking time to capture something that I’ve dropped long ago. Writing, blogging, thinking. So my analogy may have stunk like a skunk, and my writing ability may not have required greasy fingers and plummeting French fries, it did however, require time and cleaning that I couldn’t or didn’t offer myself. Now, it’s time. Time to clean. Time to search for my fries.

So here I sit. 29 days away from making the biggest decision of my life. Committing myself before God, family, and friends, to my very best friend, Luke. WOW! Getting married is possibly the most fun, exciting, nerve-wracking shin-dig ever to exist. Brides, how did you keep it together?!

I must be honest. Those who have read and followed my thoughts moons ago know that my writing requires emotion. It lacks serious zest if forced; which I why I should have been writing the last 7 months. I haven’t been able to find the energy! Why? Why have I allowed myself to be stretched so thin that my one escape is shoved deep inside my own Pandora’s box. I’ve been scared to open it. There you go, I said it. I’ve been scared.

I can almost hear the gasps as your eyes read the text. Let’s clarify, am I scared to marry Luke? No way, Jose. I’m eager. However, fear has once again revealed itself full force, and it’s time I expose it. It’s time I take the power away from Satan and surrender it to God.

Fear is so…commanding. In my existence, fear has been suffocating. It’s ironic that I have “fear not” delicately tattooed on my upper shoulder; it just goes to show that having fear is seems to be habitual for me, a constant struggle. Every time life becomes overwhelming, fear seems to knock at my door, and eventually it busts right in and robs me of all vivacity.

Lately I’m afraid of a lot of things. I’m afraid of failing as a good wife, I’m afraid of feeling beautiful on my wedding day, I’m afraid of Luke driving home after work in case he gets in an accident, I’m afraid of hurting friendships just by being busy, I’m afraid of forgetting to lock the car door or the front door, I’m afraid of messing up at work, and most of all, I’M AFRIAD OF BEING AFRAID. What a terrible way to live, right?!

After months of venting, exploding, and brutal honesty to my mother, she recently surprised me with the book “Battlefield of the Mind”, by Joyce Meyer. With in the first chapter the pages reveal the normalcy of negative thoughts and strongholds we are up against. Meyers uncovers Satan’s deceit and strategy to place on the battlefield and beat you down. She discusses our enemy’s slow and deliberate plan that causes a war; a war that no one wants to confess but rather shove deep away and pretend it’s not there.

Although I’ve just started the book, it was a revelation that woke me. I’m not crazy! I do indeed have a Lord that is crazy about me. The more I slow down, pray, and rely on him, the less French fries I have stuffed underneath my driver’s seat. Can I hear an AMEN?!

So friends, I urge you to open your own Pandora’s box. The book of Isaiah says, "Say to them that are of a fearful heart, Be strong, fear not: behold, your God will come with vengeance, even God with a recompence; he will come and save you” -Isaiah 35:4. The book of Joel says, "Fear not, O land; be glad and rejoice: for the LORD will do great things” -Joel 2:21. Why live another minute in fear? My white flag is the only thing flying freely on the battlefield. I have surrendered, and so should you. Now go, and find your French fries.

<3 Katie

ps: Stay tuned! Wedding goodies soon to come!